This message should make anyone feel better:
- Hi, welcome to Mental Health Hotline…
Do you have a compulsory disorder? Please press 1 again and again and again…
If you have multiple personalities, please press 4, 5 and 6
If you’re paranoid, we know who you are and what you want. Don’t hang up. We’re tracing your call.
Psychotic? Please press 7, and your call will be forwarded to the mothership.
If you’re schizofrenic, please listen carefully, and a little voice will tell you what number to press.
If you’re depressed, press any key. No one will answer anyway.
Dyslectic or dysnumeric? Please press 96745289925380177226634291
If you’ve lost your memory, press 8 and give your name, adress, phone number, date of birth, social security number and your mothers maiden name.
Post- traumatic stress syndrome? Please press 000 s-l-o-w-l-y-a-n-d-c-a-r-e-f-u-l-l-y…
If you’re bipolar, leave a message before the beep or after the beep or before the beep. Please wait for the beep.
If your short-term memory is bad, please press 9.
If your short-term memory is bad, please press 9.
If your short-term memory is bad, please press 9.
If your short-term memory is bad, please press 9.
If your short-term memory is bad, please press 9.
If your self-esteem is low, please hang up. All our therapists are far too busy to help you.
If you’re a blonde, do not touch any keys. You’re bound to screw up.
(For the record – this is not meant to poke fun at mental issues, but at government and other “phone services”. They may not be as bad as this, but “press this, say that, please blow your nose after the beep” has become a d*** nuisance in this country – and I’m guessing it’s a global thing. And don’t get me started on the “music”!!)
Stumble it!
