Mother’s Got A Dot Com

To everyone who celebrates, to #5Brat who’ll be going to a Halloween party as the cutest little witch tonight, and to me, who’ll be lighting a candle to all my dear departed, Happy Halloween!

Courtesy of Halloween Graphics Plus

A friend of mine called – he’s got to give away his dachshund puppy – his girlfriend is complaining that the dog keeps looking at her every time she takes her clothes off.
Women, eh???
Take a look at the darling doggy – and let me know if you’re interested. First come, first served!

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I’m getting older. Given that the alternative to getting older isn’t a pleasant prospect, I shouldn’t really complain.
Arthritis is no fun, though, and with winter coming, I know it can only get worse. Fingers, shoulders, knees – not to mention the root of everything – the old club feet and their attached ankles, they stiffen up more and more with each rainy day that brings us closer to the frost.
I’ve tried a lot of things – various meds, various homeopathic remedies, a magnetic bracelet and insoles, campheratum liniment, glucosamine, you name it, I’ve done it. Nothing seems to help in the long run, and every year it gets a little bit worse.
I guess I just have to keep soldiering on, as they say, enjoying the good days, trying to get through the bad. And regardless of financial crisis and global warming, there will be another spring.

I was born with bilateral club feet, which causes more and more problems. I’ve had corrective surgery – I was 5 at the time, but time has passed, my ankles are worn, and it’s painful. Very painful at times.

I’ve tried several types of shoes – some are very good and give great support to my ankles and feet, some just aren’t made for me. One brand I’ve heard of, but never tried, is Dansko shoes. I’ve always wanted clogs – they’re practical for just about everything around a place like ours, but I can’t wear the usual ones with wooden soles. I feel like the little mermaid, walking on knives… I believe they’ve got other types of shoes too, but I’d really like to try on a pair of their soft-looking clogs.

Yes, there are painkillers, and orthopedic footwear too. I use painkillers when I have to, but I’ve managed to avoid the special shoes. Vain? Yes, of course, but I know my feet will get the better of me sooner or later. I do what I can to make it later.

This message should make anyone feel better:

- Hi, welcome to Mental Health Hotline…

Do you have a compulsory disorder? Please press 1 again and again and again…

If you have multiple personalities, please press 4, 5 and 6

If you’re paranoid, we know who you are and what you want. Don’t hang up. We’re tracing your call.

Psychotic? Please press 7, and your call will be forwarded to the mothership.

If you’re schizofrenic, please listen carefully, and a little voice will tell you what number to press.

If you’re depressed, press any key. No one will answer anyway.

Dyslectic or dysnumeric? Please press 96745289925380177226634291

If you’ve lost your memory, press 8 and give your name, adress, phone number, date of birth, social security number and your mothers maiden name.

Post- traumatic stress syndrome? Please press 000 s-l-o-w-l-y-a-n-d-c-a-r-e-f-u-l-l-y…

If you’re bipolar, leave a message before the beep or after the beep or before the beep. Please wait for the beep.

If your short-term memory is bad, please press 9.
If your short-term memory is bad, please press 9.
If your short-term memory is bad, please press 9.
If your short-term memory is bad, please press 9.
If your short-term memory is bad, please press 9.

If your self-esteem is low, please hang up. All our therapists are far too busy to help you.

If you’re a blonde, do not touch any keys. You’re bound to screw up.

(For the record – this is not meant to poke fun at mental issues, but at government and other “phone services”. They may not be as bad as this, but “press this, say that, please blow your nose after the beep” has become a d*** nuisance in this country – and I’m guessing it’s a global thing. And don’t get me started on the “music”!!)

The other night, at 11pm, I sent hubby off to see if #3 Brat had come home from his trip on his motorbike. I hadn’t seen him, and he hadn’t said goodnight. The bike was there – #3 Brat was secure in bed.

It turns out he’d been here, said goodnight to me, even given me a peck on the cheek… I still don’t remember it. People call, brats tell me things – it goes straight out of my head. I know they won’t put me in a home just yet, but it probably won’t be too long – unless…

They give people hearing implants. Why can’t I have a memory stick implanted? My hard drive is so full of useless information, I could use a “delete” button to make room for new and more relevant stuff, as well as some way of retrieving whatever’s buried deep, deep down.

While we’re at it, #4 Brat would like a “good humour” implant, #1 Brat a GPS behind her ear, and would someone please throw in a “tidiness” device for all of us…

# 3 Brat is suffering from severe acne problems. He’s had UV light treatments, that have helped a bit, but driving 15 miles for a 10 minute treatment every two days got a bit stressful for him, so he decided to quit that.
His doctor prescribed some pills that would work – only the side effects included such minor concerns as psychosis, depressions, suicidal tendencies, renal failure, liver failure… Eh… OK, so only a small percentage contract these, but who’d want to end up in those statistics… To be given these, he would have had to give the doctor a waiver in writing from his parents. Scary. Needless to say, he never had those pills!

At the moment, he’s trying natural acne treatments, as prescribed by a homeopath that he really likes. It takes time, he has to stay away from certain foods and take all sorts of vitamins, minerals as well as homeopathic medicine, but he looks much better, and feels better too. The sun and outdoor activity may have something to do with it as well, but at least she’s made him understand that getting some sun and fresh air on his skin will help, whereas hiding it under sweaters won’t…

Whether or not this treatment will remove the acne remains to be seen – he seems to be getting better, and is gaining confidence too, which is the main thing. Time is on his side regardless – adulthood will set in one day, and with it a more balanced hormone flow…

I’ve been tagged by Cindi (Moomette) to help spread the awareness on the ‘Breast Cancer Awareness’ month of June. Please help convey the importance of regular examination and early detection of breast cancer, maximizing the chance of survival and recovery.

Here are several facts on breast cancer that everyone should know about:

•The first sign of breast cancer usually shows up on a woman’s mammogram before it can be felt or any other symptoms are present.

•Risks for breast cancer include a family history, atypical hyperplasia, delaying pregnancy until after age 30 or never becoming pregnant, early menstruation (before age 12), late menopause (after age 55), current use or use in the last ten years of oral contraceptives, and daily consumption of alcohol.

•Early detection of breast cancer, through monthly breast self-exam and particularly yearly mammography after age 40, offers the best chance for survival.

•Ninety-six percent of women who find and treat breast cancer early will be cancer-free after five years.

•Over eighty percent of breast lumps are not cancerous, but benign such as fibrocystic breast disease.

•You are never too young to develop breast cancer! Breast Self-Exam should begin by the age of twenty.

Resources: American Cancer Society National Cancer Institute Komen Foundation

You can help the lives of many women by spreading the word about The Breast Cancer Site pink button as many times as you can. If The Breast Cancer Site receives 8 million clicks on the pink button in June, their premier sponsor -Bare Necessities- will donate $10,000 for more free mammograms. CLICK the pink button today!

I tag everyone with breasts past or present – guys and girls alike.
Additional fact: Yes, boys, you can get it too.
Please join in to make yourself and others aware of how to detect this sneaking disease. I’m sure we all know someone who survived, and many knew someone who didn’t.
Click the button and spread the word…

OK, so my motivation for dieting isn’t there. Maybe exercise is the way to go about building up a healthier lifestyle?

The thing is – it seems to be such a complex science… What in blazes is elliptical training, for example? Ergogenic, step, aerobics, fartlek training, ballistic stretching – they just don’t mean a thing to me, and to be honest, it sounds terminally boring…

My form of exercise? Digging the garden, fixing fences, carrying toddlers and boulders, mowing lawns… We should be shearing a few sheep pretty soon, which is great exercise, especially if you’re a rookie. Stacking firewood is a good one, and so is moving piles of dirt from one place to another – in a wheelbarrow.
Most of this sounds pretty boring as well, and a lot of it is. To me, the fact that it has a practical purpose (other than burning fat or growing your biceps) still makes it so much more interesting than doing whatever it’s called in a gym, while looking into a sea of other people on machines.
With most of this I get a free tan too, this time of year.

I don’t think I’ll ever understand how the need to win to some people justifies cheating. We’ve seen it with skiers, bikers, runners, any type of sports – they fill their bodies with all sorts of performance-enhancing substances (including blood).
Is it the money? The glory? I don’t know. One thing is that it’s illegal. It also ruins the credibility of sports altogether, it casts a shadow of suspicion on all athletes – and it’s dangerous.
As for legal steroids for body builders – well, in this country there’s no such thing. I think I’d stay clear of them, regardless. I would have thought the risk of shrinking your testicles down to pea size would be enough of a deterrant, but it clearly isn’t.

Goes to show that the strongest instinct in humans isn’t the sex drive, but the desire to be stronger, better, bigger (and/or have a newer car) than your neighbour.

This is not beautiful, it’s very unlikely to be what God meant by “your body is a temple”, and there’s no way it’s been achieved by natural means. (It’s also very likely to have a padded G-string).